Homecoming 2005

One year ago today, about this time in fact, Matt and I brought our little bundle of joy into our home for the first time. Although I expected it to be a day I would never forget, much of the day is nothing more than a blur of sleeplessness. Some moments are etched in my mind, but even the next few days have been partially lost to me.

I can't forget that night in the hospital when we stayed in a room with Patrick, my first experience with the exhaustion that would be my life for the next few months. Neither Matt nor I slept much at all; we were awake with every peep out of that crib.

I remember the long walk out to the car as his nurse rolled him down in his bed. We attracted much attention, with Patrick in his adorable homecoming outfit. I also remember how we struggled to strap him in his carseat for the first time. I'm still amazed that the straps tightened enough to hold his tiny body. He looked so fragile. Matt drove more cautiously than I've ever seen him drive before or since, more like a little old lady than a dad.

Then there are those first few moments after we brought him home. It was after dinner time, so Matt left again almost right away to pick up some food for us. I remember that near-panic at being left alone with him--for the first time ever. I was terrified something would happen, that his apnea monitor would go off, that he would stop breathing. I was afraid he would start crying and I would have to feed him or change his diaper or whatever it took to make him stop. I was so uncertain about my abilities as a mother that I was afraid to be alone with him.

Yet despite that fear, there was something so right about having him at home with us at last. The sad, empty nursery wasn't sad or empty any longer. He may have only been five pounds at the time, but he filled our house much faster than any stuff possibly could.

A year later, he continues to fill our house--with laughter and life. It's amazing to see how much he has changed and grown in this past year. He's now crawling real steps, one or two a day, and he pushed himself from a crawling position back to a sitting position on his own earlier today. He loves interacting with Matt and me and talks pretty constantly.

I, too, have changed drastically in this past year. My fear and hesitation from that first night at home has vanished. I'm much more confident about my mothering abilities, and I no longer worry constantly that any wrong move I make will forever damage my son. Without a doubt, having Patrick has enriched my life.

The bear in this following picture was Patrick's very first teddy bear. I remember holding it when I was pregnant and imagining my son being soothed as it played him "Twinkle, Twinkle." One of his first days in the hospital, we brought the bear to him to stay in his incubator with him. Every night before we left, Matt and I would play the song for him. We were hoping it would comfort him.

When we got home from the hospital, the teddy bear was abandoned for the many more toys we had at home. Then a couple of days ago we rediscovered it during a diaper change when he was in need of distraction. I don't know if a part of him remembers the bear or what, but he has grown incredibly attached to it. He won't sleep without it.

It looks a little smaller now than it did in those first weeks, though.
If we would let him, the bear would go with him everywhere. Here's what happened when I attempted to get him to pose with it for pictures:

It's so cute watching him with his bear. It both warms my heart and saddens me a little bit, because of all the memories attached to that litte bear.