The First Birthday

Dear Patrick,

I apologize in advance that this post will not be everything I had imagined for months as I saw this first birthday approaching. I had dreams of perfectly explaining exactly how much you mean to me and reiterating what a perfect miracle you are. Tonight finds me more exhausted than I could possibly have predicted, however.

I never expected just how tiring planning your birthday party could be or how drained I would be after the excitement of opening presents and eating cake. I did expect you would be wary of the presents until you recognized what wonderful surprises waited inside. I expected you would still find the wrapping paper and ribbons and tissue paper and cards more thrilling than the brightly colored toys at first. I expected you to love the cake once you determined that funny thing sitting on your high chair tray was something edible. I expected you wouldn't dive into the cake but pick at it. And you didn't disappoint.

I also expected all sorts of memories from one year ago to flood back over me today. Somehow I was still surprised to find myself glancing at the clock repeatedly and playing the game: "What was I doing at this time one year ago?" I could always remember. You see, I will never ever forget that day. It feels like every moment is now written on my mind, in my heart. Scary as the day was, more and more I realize it was one of the best days of my life.

I still wonder, though, if this is the way it will be every year. Will every year's party be so exhausting? Will I always relive October 7, 2005, every October 7? Will the memories stay as vivid?

While my emotions were all over the place today--wavering between annoyed at your Mommy-leeching and nostalgic for your infancy--I wouldn't change a thing about the day. I'm finding myself exhausted but satisfied tonight. This has been a good day. You are so loved by so much family. The excitement, the worry about you and your mood are worth watching you play with new toys and interact with new people. They're worth taking the time out to really look at you and see just how far you've come in the past year. Days like this remind me not to ever take you for granted.

That is my promise to you today, my little man. I promise to always take time out from time to time to remind myself what a miracle you are and how blessed I am to have you in my life. I love you more than you'll ever know, Patrick.

Mommy