I was on the phone with my mom while Patrick played yesterday afternoon. Admittedly I wasn't paying as close attention to him as normal, but I wasn't ignoring him by any means either. He was getting fussy and needy playing on the floor, so I took him outside, my last resort that always calms him down. He squirmed right off my lap, and while still on the phone with Mom, I helped him sit on the concrete floor of the patio. I don't know why he's so fascinated with sitting like that.
My legs happened to be behind him the way he chose to settle. Apparently he decided it was time to feel Mommy there again because he leaned back against my legs. Unfortunately, I had shifted my legs moments before. That means when he leaned back, he missed my legs altogether and fell flat on his back on the ground, banging the back of that hard head on the concrete.
Every time I've taken him outside over the last few weeks, I've been paranoid about this exact scenario. I've taken precautions every day so that I can be behind him at a moment's notice to catch him if he happens to start falling. I had visions in my head of that little head cracking against the concrete and breaking open. Those pictures included blood everywhere, a screaming baby, and usually a trip to the emergency room.
Even distracted by the phone, yesterday was no different. How much more protection can I give him than having my legs inches away from his back? My feet were solidly on the ground, providing a stable enough, soft enough wall for him should he choose to lean back. Still it wasn't enough.
I moved my legs. It didn't matter that I'd protected him; it didn't matter that my legs were about to go back to the exact same protective position. He chose that one moment of vulnerability to test Mommy's promise to always be there to catch him, to keep him from getting hurt.
In the first moments of that horrible screaming, I wished I'd never made him that promise.
I want him to trust me, to know that I'm going to do everything in my power to keep him from getting hurt. But a part of me knew it was foolish to promise "always" even when I made the promise.
Patrick's hurt was short-lived. Within a few minutes of Mommy holding him and walking him around, he was fine, chipper as usual. He spent the next half an hour comforting me, making a point to prove to me that he was fine and that the bump wasn't going to do any permanent damage.
I'm afraid the permanent damage was done to me, though. I never imagined it could hurt so much to know my child was hurt. I take the blame too, for not being there when I'd promised him I always would be. I learned the hard way that I can't always be there to prevent Patrick from getting hurt. Moments will come when those legs or hands aren't in position to catch him like both of us expect them to be. I can't baby-proof his life to the point that he will never get hurt, and it's ridiculous of me to put that burden on myself. It will hurt in unimaginable ways when he does inevitably get hurt, but those moments have to happen. How else does he learn what he can and can't do?
And I learn too that being a good mommy isn't about keeping him from every hurt but being there to comfort him when he does.
My legs happened to be behind him the way he chose to settle. Apparently he decided it was time to feel Mommy there again because he leaned back against my legs. Unfortunately, I had shifted my legs moments before. That means when he leaned back, he missed my legs altogether and fell flat on his back on the ground, banging the back of that hard head on the concrete.
Every time I've taken him outside over the last few weeks, I've been paranoid about this exact scenario. I've taken precautions every day so that I can be behind him at a moment's notice to catch him if he happens to start falling. I had visions in my head of that little head cracking against the concrete and breaking open. Those pictures included blood everywhere, a screaming baby, and usually a trip to the emergency room.
Even distracted by the phone, yesterday was no different. How much more protection can I give him than having my legs inches away from his back? My feet were solidly on the ground, providing a stable enough, soft enough wall for him should he choose to lean back. Still it wasn't enough.
I moved my legs. It didn't matter that I'd protected him; it didn't matter that my legs were about to go back to the exact same protective position. He chose that one moment of vulnerability to test Mommy's promise to always be there to catch him, to keep him from getting hurt.
In the first moments of that horrible screaming, I wished I'd never made him that promise.
I want him to trust me, to know that I'm going to do everything in my power to keep him from getting hurt. But a part of me knew it was foolish to promise "always" even when I made the promise.
Patrick's hurt was short-lived. Within a few minutes of Mommy holding him and walking him around, he was fine, chipper as usual. He spent the next half an hour comforting me, making a point to prove to me that he was fine and that the bump wasn't going to do any permanent damage.
I'm afraid the permanent damage was done to me, though. I never imagined it could hurt so much to know my child was hurt. I take the blame too, for not being there when I'd promised him I always would be. I learned the hard way that I can't always be there to prevent Patrick from getting hurt. Moments will come when those legs or hands aren't in position to catch him like both of us expect them to be. I can't baby-proof his life to the point that he will never get hurt, and it's ridiculous of me to put that burden on myself. It will hurt in unimaginable ways when he does inevitably get hurt, but those moments have to happen. How else does he learn what he can and can't do?
And I learn too that being a good mommy isn't about keeping him from every hurt but being there to comfort him when he does.
Labels: Feelings
2 Comments:
That video was tooo adorable!! How cute is that?? lol Your right.. accidents will happen and you can always be there but its the comforting that really makes all the difference. I know what you mean about how much it hurts when they are hurt.. it hurts us more than them!! Hang in there Kathy.. you are a great mommy!!
You have such great wisdom in your post today. Since we don't cause the hurts, it's impossible to keep them safe from all hurts. I know you will always be there to wisely and compassionately help him through the hurt. I'm glad this was only a little bump.
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