Dear Patrick,
Today you turned eleven months old. This is one of those forgotten milestones, with no important changes that are supposed to happen on this day. It pales in comparison to the milestone you'll experience next month. But it's important to me still, and I'm celebrating, even if in a different way than we will next month.
You see, I reached a milestone of my own last night, one that it only took eleven months to reach. I was reading one of my new books after you went to bed. I found myself sobbing when the main character lost her baby when she was born prematurely. It takes place in pioneer days when there weren't doctors readily available. From the time she realized what was happening, her baby was doomed. It hurt me like you couldn't imagine as they described her baby, a slightly smaller version of you when you were born, and her pain at holding her baby she'd looked forward to for all those months who never really got a chance at life.
That's when for the first time in all these months I let myself think it: That could have been you, that tiny baby who never got to take a first breath. That could have been me, the mother mourning the loss of the life growing inside her for that long. For the first time, the complete blessing you are overwhelmed me; I felt the full measure of gratefulness for your very presence that I'd been reluctant to admit all along.
Sure, I've grieved for your prematurity, for the problems you've had since then because of it, for the stressful NICU experience, for your still-delayed development. But that time is over. Instead of focusing on how things went wrong, I'm astounded by how much went right. You are a wonderful child, a perfect baby. Whether it's in spite of or because of your prematurity, it doesn't matter. I think that book last night finally helped me come to terms with the manner of your arrival. I may finally have accepted it.
It is now time to move on, to look to your future. Daddy and I did just that last night. We're now thinking beyond that milestone you're going through next month that I can't bear to think about right now. We got you your first Halloween costume. Instead of the non-celebration we had in the NICU last year--with nothing more than a Polaroid of you in an oversized pumpkin hat--we're going all out. Remember that this costume is supposed to be a surprise, though. Don't slip and tell one of your grandmas when we're not around!
You also now have your first pair of shoes, although you have yet to wear them. Maybe later today we'll try them on for size and take some pictures to commemorate the event. You're growing so fast, needing shoes already. You'll be toddling all over the house before we know it--and I'm sure I'll be chasing you with those shoes that you will have pulled off as soon as I could get them on.
Speaking of mobility, you're still not ready to crawl. I think sometimes you want to, but it seems to be too much effort. You'd much rather look up at Mommy or Daddy and ask with those big blue eyes to move you wherever you'd rather be. Of course, you're so laidback still that if you don't get moved immediately, you just find something else to play with within reach. It doesn't bother you if you don't get to go somewhere new.
And I'm finally ok with your reluctance to crawl. In fact, I consider myself truly lucky. I hear so many women lamenting at how quickly their babies grew up. They wish they could have that little baby back again, the one who isn't into everything all the time. I have that baby. I have had that baby so much longer than I ever expected to. You came two months early and then have stayed more like a baby months longer than most. I have what every mother dreams of, the baby who stays that way. I know it won't last forever, and I don't want it to. But I know that years from now I won't miss having a baby around quite as much because I was one of the lucky ones who had one for longer.
I love how you're socializing more and more, though, even with Daddy and me. Your sense of humor is astonishing, especially since you have to make do with just gestures and your one word. Just yesterday you were cooing at your toys, acting like you were having a real conversation with them. I had to butt my way in to see if you would talk like that with me. I asked you, "Which toy is your favorite?" And instead of talking to me, you just reached out your hand for my face. I thought it was sweet at first until you grabbed my glasses. I think you answered my question: I'm not your favorite toy, my glasses are.
It doesn't matter to me. You always seem to enjoy playing with me. Each day I'm more surprised at how much I enjoy playing with you. You are truly turning into good company for me. You're such an entertainer too. You'll do anything to make me smile. I can't help but fall in love with you more each day. I'll close your door at the end of a long day and wonder at how my heart could have grown that much in one day to love you that much more.
I'll love you always, Patrick.
Mommy
Today you turned eleven months old. This is one of those forgotten milestones, with no important changes that are supposed to happen on this day. It pales in comparison to the milestone you'll experience next month. But it's important to me still, and I'm celebrating, even if in a different way than we will next month.
You see, I reached a milestone of my own last night, one that it only took eleven months to reach. I was reading one of my new books after you went to bed. I found myself sobbing when the main character lost her baby when she was born prematurely. It takes place in pioneer days when there weren't doctors readily available. From the time she realized what was happening, her baby was doomed. It hurt me like you couldn't imagine as they described her baby, a slightly smaller version of you when you were born, and her pain at holding her baby she'd looked forward to for all those months who never really got a chance at life.That's when for the first time in all these months I let myself think it: That could have been you, that tiny baby who never got to take a first breath. That could have been me, the mother mourning the loss of the life growing inside her for that long. For the first time, the complete blessing you are overwhelmed me; I felt the full measure of gratefulness for your very presence that I'd been reluctant to admit all along.
Sure, I've grieved for your prematurity, for the problems you've had since then because of it, for the stressful NICU experience, for your still-delayed development. But that time is over. Instead of focusing on how things went wrong, I'm astounded by how much went right. You are a wonderful child, a perfect baby. Whether it's in spite of or because of your prematurity, it doesn't matter. I think that book last night finally helped me come to terms with the manner of your arrival. I may finally have accepted it.
It is now time to move on, to look to your future. Daddy and I did just that last night. We're now thinking beyond that milestone you're going through next month that I can't bear to think about right now. We got you your first Halloween costume. Instead of the non-celebration we had in the NICU last year--with nothing more than a Polaroid of you in an oversized pumpkin hat--we're going all out. Remember that this costume is supposed to be a surprise, though. Don't slip and tell one of your grandmas when we're not around!You also now have your first pair of shoes, although you have yet to wear them. Maybe later today we'll try them on for size and take some pictures to commemorate the event. You're growing so fast, needing shoes already. You'll be toddling all over the house before we know it--and I'm sure I'll be chasing you with those shoes that you will have pulled off as soon as I could get them on.
Speaking of mobility, you're still not ready to crawl. I think sometimes you want to, but it seems to be too much effort. You'd much rather look up at Mommy or Daddy and ask with those big blue eyes to move you wherever you'd rather be. Of course, you're so laidback still that if you don't get moved immediately, you just find something else to play with within reach. It doesn't bother you if you don't get to go somewhere new.
And I'm finally ok with your reluctance to crawl. In fact, I consider myself truly lucky. I hear so many women lamenting at how quickly their babies grew up. They wish they could have that little baby back again, the one who isn't into everything all the time. I have that baby. I have had that baby so much longer than I ever expected to. You came two months early and then have stayed more like a baby months longer than most. I have what every mother dreams of, the baby who stays that way. I know it won't last forever, and I don't want it to. But I know that years from now I won't miss having a baby around quite as much because I was one of the lucky ones who had one for longer.I love how you're socializing more and more, though, even with Daddy and me. Your sense of humor is astonishing, especially since you have to make do with just gestures and your one word. Just yesterday you were cooing at your toys, acting like you were having a real conversation with them. I had to butt my way in to see if you would talk like that with me. I asked you, "Which toy is your favorite?" And instead of talking to me, you just reached out your hand for my face. I thought it was sweet at first until you grabbed my glasses. I think you answered my question: I'm not your favorite toy, my glasses are.
It doesn't matter to me. You always seem to enjoy playing with me. Each day I'm more surprised at how much I enjoy playing with you. You are truly turning into good company for me. You're such an entertainer too. You'll do anything to make me smile. I can't help but fall in love with you more each day. I'll close your door at the end of a long day and wonder at how my heart could have grown that much in one day to love you that much more.
I'll love you always, Patrick.
Mommy
Labels: Monthly Celebration, Photos
2 Comments:
Happy 11th month, Patrick!! We'll have a great celebration next month!
I'm glad you have some peace with the circumstances of our little boy's birth. He has beat the odds at several times along the way and is truly a gift God gave all of us of someone so beautiful and perfect -- even more of a miracle every time we come face to face what all the things that could have been. We just have to give thanks!!
That was very touching. I'm one of those mum's who wants them to stay a baby for a bit longer, not the new baby, but that happy content 5 or 6 month age when they are pure pleasures.
Post a Comment
<< Home