I'm kind of at a loss what to blog about today. It was a quiet weekend. Even Patrick didn't do anything spectacularly cute or annoying. He was just Patrick.
I guess the biggest event was really a non-event. Yet again, after making plans to get up for church, we didn't. I saw "we," but it's really because of me that we didn't go. Church has always been so important to me, and going on Sunday mornings at least was a priority. So why now can't I get myself up and go?
I'd love to say it's because of Patrick. I've always heard that it's just so much harder to get ready to go places with a baby around. And while that's true, that's way down there on my list of reasons to not go.
The biggest problem is that we don't have a home church. I think I may have mentioned before that with getting pregnant and being so sick combined with moving across town about the same time made our church search dwindle before it ever got started. I got used to sleeping in on Sunday mornings and now struggle to make myself get up early for any reason anymore. It's so much more difficult getting up to go do something social, especially with people I don't know. Those of you who know me know that I can be painfully shy. While I got better about that during college and my teaching years, staying at home with Patrick and rarely going out has sent me back to my old timid ways. I now get very nervous about any outing, no matter how ordinary. Going to an unfamiliar church full of unfamiliar people is too much for me to handle most days.
I'm scared about a lot of things. I'm scared that the church will follow an unfamiliar routine, and that I'll draw attention to myself by not knowing what to do when. I'm scared that Patrick will talk or cry at an inappropriate time. I'm scared that we'll have to take him to a nursery--again where I won't know the routine. I'm scared that I'll draw attention to myself by having to leave with him during the service. I'm scared that we'll stand out as visitors.
I'm also scared that nobody will notice us, that we will spend an hour or two among strangers who never give us a second glance. It's funny how much I don't want to have any attention drawn to me, yet I fear that very same thing, that it will be like we're invisible there.
I'm also afraid that Patrick will decide it's time to eat while we're there, which is almost a certainty given his usual schedule. He will only nurse anymore, which means I have to ask around to find a place to go feed him, and then I have the discomfort of new surroundings with the possibility of someone walking in on us. I would definitely have attention drawn to me as I left and came back as well.
All my fears combined overwhelm me on Sunday mornings. I'm usually already tired, so the draw of the bed beats out my waning desire to get myself ready for church. I know the only way to beat out all these fears is just to face them and get it over with. There is no way church, even a new one, can be nearly as bad as my fears make it out to be. But instead, I just let my fears take over. It seems so much easier that way on a sleepy Sunday morning.
I guess the biggest event was really a non-event. Yet again, after making plans to get up for church, we didn't. I saw "we," but it's really because of me that we didn't go. Church has always been so important to me, and going on Sunday mornings at least was a priority. So why now can't I get myself up and go?
I'd love to say it's because of Patrick. I've always heard that it's just so much harder to get ready to go places with a baby around. And while that's true, that's way down there on my list of reasons to not go.
The biggest problem is that we don't have a home church. I think I may have mentioned before that with getting pregnant and being so sick combined with moving across town about the same time made our church search dwindle before it ever got started. I got used to sleeping in on Sunday mornings and now struggle to make myself get up early for any reason anymore. It's so much more difficult getting up to go do something social, especially with people I don't know. Those of you who know me know that I can be painfully shy. While I got better about that during college and my teaching years, staying at home with Patrick and rarely going out has sent me back to my old timid ways. I now get very nervous about any outing, no matter how ordinary. Going to an unfamiliar church full of unfamiliar people is too much for me to handle most days.
I'm scared about a lot of things. I'm scared that the church will follow an unfamiliar routine, and that I'll draw attention to myself by not knowing what to do when. I'm scared that Patrick will talk or cry at an inappropriate time. I'm scared that we'll have to take him to a nursery--again where I won't know the routine. I'm scared that I'll draw attention to myself by having to leave with him during the service. I'm scared that we'll stand out as visitors.
I'm also scared that nobody will notice us, that we will spend an hour or two among strangers who never give us a second glance. It's funny how much I don't want to have any attention drawn to me, yet I fear that very same thing, that it will be like we're invisible there.
I'm also afraid that Patrick will decide it's time to eat while we're there, which is almost a certainty given his usual schedule. He will only nurse anymore, which means I have to ask around to find a place to go feed him, and then I have the discomfort of new surroundings with the possibility of someone walking in on us. I would definitely have attention drawn to me as I left and came back as well.
All my fears combined overwhelm me on Sunday mornings. I'm usually already tired, so the draw of the bed beats out my waning desire to get myself ready for church. I know the only way to beat out all these fears is just to face them and get it over with. There is no way church, even a new one, can be nearly as bad as my fears make it out to be. But instead, I just let my fears take over. It seems so much easier that way on a sleepy Sunday morning.
Labels: Feelings
7 Comments:
I dreamed last night about church. We have been really bad about not going too. I think I am just overwhelmed with the thought of getting up early, packing all the stuff the girls need, loading the car, getting the bottles, and then lugging two very active babies to church where I end up sitting in the nursery with them because they are so loud and busy that it is distracting to everyone else. I feel badly about it but when I open my eyes on Sunday morning I just want to close them back when I consider all the feats it will take to make it out the front door. I am glad I am not the only one out here feeling the exact same way!
Ok, just Papa's openion. God made my grandson, well with a little help I admit, I have never really worried about an openion other than his when it came to church. People will be people no matter where you are. Go be that visitor with a baby, it gives the old folks something to talk about, the young ones new friends and you a good feeling in your heart being neared to God. Sounds to me like what it was meant to be. But again, that is just Papa's openion.
I'm not a real church going person myself. But I have come to find out there is always someone to ask. I get asked all the time from people at work. Do you talk to your neighbors, or have friends in your area. If you could find someone you know to take with them then you one wouldn't be alone, but you would have someone who knows the ropes (In case you need to feed Patrick) and you would have someone to introduce you around.
Mandy, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.
Papa, you're not speaking out of turn. You have as much an interest in Patrick's spiritual well-being as we do, and it may light a fire under me to know that you guys are worried about it.
Heather, actually, the church we've been meaning to try is adjacent to our property, and some of our neighbors go there. They're the ones who invited us. We would have friends there, although I'm not sure she would be able to answer my question about nursing him. Her kids are much older...but maybe she could direct me to someone who could tell me.
By the way, Papa spells a little better when he has not been up for 25 hours. Oppps.
Even people who are well established and whose husbands are staff members sometimes don't want to get up and out of bed to go on Sunday mornings :)
I know what you mean about being embarrassed, though...Will cannot seem to sit still and be quiet with me in church. He will sit with other people and be just fine the whole time but with me--no way. This past Sunday he lasted about two minutes before I had to take him out to the nursery; and we sit way up in the front with the youth! That's always a fun walk, with everyone staring at me as I go. You're not the only one. It's just part of being a mom to a little one.
Searching for the right church is hard. We go to the church David went to before I met him but I just don't feel like it clicks with me and sometimes I feel selfish about that. But don't feel guilty about not going. It's not like God has gone any where!
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