Ok, I'm just going to say it: I don't really like breastfeeding. (Hesitate a moment as all the devoted La Leche League members gasp in horror.) I realized that again early this morning. I woke up before five realizing I was uncomfortable. To start with, I was really full. In addition, my bra had slipped out of place, causing me to leak milk all over my shirt, the sheet, and my pillow. I had to get up, change shirts, and pump. Then as I finally go to store the milk, I spill about two ounces of it all over the counter and floor. So I have to clean the counter and floor before I can think about going back to bed. Not a fun way to start the day.
My issues with breastfeeding are many:
1. I am by no means a fastidious person, but breastfeeding is just messy. Patrick drools a lot more while breastfeeding than he does with a bottle--and that drool drips all the way down my exposed belly. I also end up with milk all around the feeding area too, at least the moisture from it. I've gotten to where it no longer grosses me out completely, but I still don't like it.
2. It takes Patrick so long to breastfeed. He just wants to hang out there forever, dozing off sometimes. When I feed him my milk through a bottle, he goes right to work and gets the job done.
3. I've developed an obsession with saving every drop as though it were gold (probably a reaction to the early days when I was pumping to feed him in the hospital). I expect that at some point I will spend the night away from Patrick, and I will need enough saved up by then for someone else to feed him that food. This obsession is overwhelming sometimes.
4. I don't feel that intimate connection I heard I should feel while breastfeeding. Because of Patrick's acid reflux, he needs to eat with his head higher than his belly (gravity helps the acid stay where it belongs). Until recently, the only hold I could find to do that was the football hold. You lose some intimacy holding your child like you're about to score a touchdown. It's an awkward hold for me. I feel a lot more intimacy bottle-feeding him. He is able to stare up into my eyes the whole time instead of at my cleavage or into my armpit, like he does when he breastfeeds.
5. I can bottle-feed in public, but I am not the type to be able to breastfeed that way. I can't just hike up my shirt in front of people and keep functioning like normal with a kid hanging from my boob. That means I have to stay close enough to home that I can be there for a feeding every three hours during the day.
6. My breasts are apparently quite prone to breast infections. I've had three already. It's not serious, but breastfeeding literally makes me sick. I am sacrificing my own health for Patrick when I continue to breastfeed him.
6. Last but not least, I feel like my boobs are not my own. I am constantly worried about leaking in public, and they just don't feel the same. I won't get into any more details about it because I know my mom and other close relatives will be reading this, but they seem to have lost their former purpose.
I know, everyone is thinking, "Why not switch to formula then?" See, I've thought of that too, and here's why I can't.
1. Have I really given breastfeeding a fair shot? When Patrick first came home from the hospital and I realized I didn't like breastfeeding, I attributed it to lack of experience and agreed to keep trying. Have almost three months been long enough for me to adjust to it? I'm reluctant to give up until I'm sure it's not just the newness of it that I dislike.
2. I can't get past what everyone says about the value of breastmilk. I know this is better for Patrick, and of course I want to do what is best for him. But at what point does the breastmilk stop being as valuable for him? If I knew that, I might be more willing to start weaning him to formula at that point.
3. Of course the cost is an issue. We cannot easily afford formula for Patrick without seriously cutting back on some other areas in our budget. Breastmilk is essentially free. Easy decision!
So what do I do? I keep breastfeeding Patrick, even though I don't like it. I knew I would have to make many sacrifices for my child long before he was born, and this is just one of those sacrifices. Sorry for the boring post today, but I needed to pin down my thoughts on the matter after my fun experience this morning.
By the way, for the next few days I will be posting from Dallas. We are spending the weekend there with my parents. There is a chance I will miss a day of blogging because of the change in schedule, but I will still try.
My issues with breastfeeding are many:
1. I am by no means a fastidious person, but breastfeeding is just messy. Patrick drools a lot more while breastfeeding than he does with a bottle--and that drool drips all the way down my exposed belly. I also end up with milk all around the feeding area too, at least the moisture from it. I've gotten to where it no longer grosses me out completely, but I still don't like it.
2. It takes Patrick so long to breastfeed. He just wants to hang out there forever, dozing off sometimes. When I feed him my milk through a bottle, he goes right to work and gets the job done.
3. I've developed an obsession with saving every drop as though it were gold (probably a reaction to the early days when I was pumping to feed him in the hospital). I expect that at some point I will spend the night away from Patrick, and I will need enough saved up by then for someone else to feed him that food. This obsession is overwhelming sometimes.
4. I don't feel that intimate connection I heard I should feel while breastfeeding. Because of Patrick's acid reflux, he needs to eat with his head higher than his belly (gravity helps the acid stay where it belongs). Until recently, the only hold I could find to do that was the football hold. You lose some intimacy holding your child like you're about to score a touchdown. It's an awkward hold for me. I feel a lot more intimacy bottle-feeding him. He is able to stare up into my eyes the whole time instead of at my cleavage or into my armpit, like he does when he breastfeeds.
5. I can bottle-feed in public, but I am not the type to be able to breastfeed that way. I can't just hike up my shirt in front of people and keep functioning like normal with a kid hanging from my boob. That means I have to stay close enough to home that I can be there for a feeding every three hours during the day.
6. My breasts are apparently quite prone to breast infections. I've had three already. It's not serious, but breastfeeding literally makes me sick. I am sacrificing my own health for Patrick when I continue to breastfeed him.
6. Last but not least, I feel like my boobs are not my own. I am constantly worried about leaking in public, and they just don't feel the same. I won't get into any more details about it because I know my mom and other close relatives will be reading this, but they seem to have lost their former purpose.
I know, everyone is thinking, "Why not switch to formula then?" See, I've thought of that too, and here's why I can't.
1. Have I really given breastfeeding a fair shot? When Patrick first came home from the hospital and I realized I didn't like breastfeeding, I attributed it to lack of experience and agreed to keep trying. Have almost three months been long enough for me to adjust to it? I'm reluctant to give up until I'm sure it's not just the newness of it that I dislike.
2. I can't get past what everyone says about the value of breastmilk. I know this is better for Patrick, and of course I want to do what is best for him. But at what point does the breastmilk stop being as valuable for him? If I knew that, I might be more willing to start weaning him to formula at that point.
3. Of course the cost is an issue. We cannot easily afford formula for Patrick without seriously cutting back on some other areas in our budget. Breastmilk is essentially free. Easy decision!
So what do I do? I keep breastfeeding Patrick, even though I don't like it. I knew I would have to make many sacrifices for my child long before he was born, and this is just one of those sacrifices. Sorry for the boring post today, but I needed to pin down my thoughts on the matter after my fun experience this morning.
By the way, for the next few days I will be posting from Dallas. We are spending the weekend there with my parents. There is a chance I will miss a day of blogging because of the change in schedule, but I will still try.
Labels: Feelings
2 Comments:
I'm so sorry your breastfeeding experience has been sort of a let down (please pardon the pun)! I know it can be frustrating at times; I have thought about giving up more often than I'd like to admit. For the first couple of months, Will also took sooo long to eat (45 minutes to an hour!) but he soon figured it all out and became much quicker at it. When he was sick a couple of weeks ago and was barely eating from me, I felt very sad, like I had lost something incredibly special with him. He is now feeling better and breastfeeding more, but I know it will never be the same. He is also eating lots more solid food, so we have cut down to 3 to 5 feedings a day (from me). That's a big difference from eight (like it was before the solids). I hope that you can keep it up and grow to enjoy it. Maybe soon you can try some new positions--I never liked the football hold either!
I had a friend that only pumped for her baby. The baby still got the breastmilk with all of its benefits, but she wasn't comfortable actually breastfeeding so it benefited both of them. I hope that you can enjoy the experience soon. But don't beat yourself up if you decide not to.
Post a Comment
<< Home